Trust them with your truth

One of the core ingredients of trust is truth. When we can share our truth with our children, we will not only build connection, but we will also be encouraging them to trust themselves. 

This does not mean being perfect, but it does mean treating them as an equal, fixing things, saying sorry, sharing dilemmas and context, and giving them feedback that might be difficult at times:

• I have messed this up…
• This is what is going on for me…
• I am finding … really hard…
• Today I learnt this about myself…
• I want to share something you might not be aware of…

The stories we choose to share develop trust and create permission. 

This is not about burdening them but it is about being as honest and open as we think we need to be. Trusting our children with our truth is a risk; we are almost programmed to tell them half-truths or not share full stories. This is because we are trying to ‘protect’ them. There isn’t a right or wrong way to do this as a parent and it will always require us to use our judgement as to how to get the balance right.  

When I was about 10 years old, my mum was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. She was obviously struggling to come to terms with this and chose to not burden us with the news. Her way of dealing with it was to brush it under the carpet and try and ignore it. We carried on as normal but something wasn’t quite right. I wouldn’t have been able to put my finger on it at the time but I think I would have felt it. As a result, it has never been something I have freely shared with others as there was a certain ‘shame’ attached to it which I can only notice all these years later. I still don’t know whether this was the right approach or not but I do know that I learnt to take this same approach in other areas of my life and it has stopped me flying.

There is a strong possibility that our children will become aware of our half-truths, either in the moment because they might feel it in their bones, or over time. As a result, they might learn to keep things to themselves or they might feel they can’t be trusted by us, and then they might not trust what we share with them in the future. 

Here are some ideas on how to continue to build trust and be honest with children: 

• Find a sense of equality. Even though they might be young and inexperienced, treat them with respect and equality and show them you trust them simply by how you speak to them.
• Bring to mind a quality you appreciate in them. Even if you don’t share it out loud, it will change your tone and they will feel it.
• Avoid oversharing. Only share as much information as they need or is helpful to them; avoid opinions and be factual and curious about the truth. If it’s not your information or truth to share, then don’t share it.
• Share what you know without telling them what to think. Once you have shared the information, step back and ask them what their thoughts are. This will help them practise thinking for themselves.
• Be clear on boundaries. If you need them to keep a secret, tell them why. Boundaries teach values.